Gifts of intimacy
(from 2009)
Gifts of intimacy are bits of private information about personal experiences, thoughts and beliefs, and dreams and fears that are shared in trusting relationships.
People in trusting relationships are privileged to know each other better than few, if any others do. They talk effortlessly about selected topics and willingly reveal sensitive information about themselves. Trusting relationships have spiritual elements that are readily understood, if not easily described.
Giving, humbly receiving and asking for gifts of intimacy requires curiosity, courage, patience and practice. Some in trusting relationships find each other interesting and want to get to know each other better. They bravely ask questions that go beyond superficial conversation.
Intimacy requires patience while listening as a friend struggles to reveal himself. It’s tempting to jump in and finish another’s sentences or thoughts. But an occasional nudge is the most you can do.
And intimacy requires suspending judgment and remembering that the goal is improving understanding between closer than usual friends. It isn’t psychotherapy.
Tom and I are friends and tennis buddies. He’s terribly lonely and hasn’t successfully grieved and transformed himself after his wife’s death 13 years ago. The other day he told me about a problem he’s having with a woman friend who wants to take him under her wing and be his lover, wife and mother.
He’s made it clear he wants nothing more than friendship with her or any woman. But she presses on and is even jealous of his other female friends. When I asked what he likes about her, he broke eye contact, looked up and away and, after a pause, could only say that she’s a nice person who means well. That’s hardly a ringing endorsement of their relationship.
Perhaps my question prompted him to appreciate his lack of strong feelings for the woman who would like to save him from himself. If he asks, I’ll tell him that, until he successfully grieves losing his wife, there’s little hope of his forming a sturdy relationship with any woman. I want to be his friend, not therapist.
Intimacy comes naturally in trusting relationships. Through their 30 years of marriage, John and Mary had lived very different lives. He worked in retail; she was a high profile, high energy corporate executive secretary. I’d known her personally and professionally for a number of years.
As he lay dying from cancer in the hospital, she optimistically looked daily for signs of improvement. I wasn’t his physician, but a nurse who knew of Mary’s and my relationship told me he had confided his wish that his wife would accept his situation. She noted that in the chart.
Just then Mary appeared, smiling as always, impeccably quaffed, and asked at the nurses’ station how John was doing. I took her aside, asked if I could show her something, and opened his chart for her.
As she read the nurses note I sensed the wall protecting her from reality crumbling. Her smile faded. The color drained from her face. Looking down, she relaxed her shoulders, slowly exhaled, and softly said, “OK.”
A couple of days later, with her at his side, he died peacefully.
Sharing innermost experiences, thoughts and beliefs, and dreams and fears with trusted others is worth the risk and effort.
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